Feedback as a Love Language

João Pereira

Welcome back, beautiful humans, to another episode of The H2H Experiment. I’m João, and—well, brace yourselves, because today’s topic might just flip the way you think about relationships and leadership on its head.

Eleanor Hartfield

That’s right, because today we’re diving into something that sounds... strange, at first. Feedback as a love language.

João Pereira

Yeah, you heard that right. Feedback and love. In the same sentence. I mean, you might be thinking, "Wait, what? How do those things even go together?"

Eleanor Hartfield

Exactly. Let’s be real—most people hear the word "feedback" and their stomach just tightens up, like they’re bracing for some kind of verbal punch.

João Pereira

Or worse, an awkward sandwich—the good-bad-good combo that leaves you wondering what part to actually take seriously.

Eleanor Hartfield

But here’s the thing. Feedback doesn’t have to feel like a root canal or a performance review. What if—just, what if—it could be radically human?

João Pereira

Oh yes. Feedback isn’t just important. It’s transformational. When done right, it’s like—it’s one of the deepest acts of love and leadership we can offer each other.

Eleanor Hartfield

But are you ready for the uncomfortable question?

João Pereira

Always.

Eleanor Hartfield

What if avoiding feedback is actually... avoiding intimacy? What if it’s not about sparing feelings, but about avoiding growth—yours and theirs?

João Pereira

You know, Eleanor, that’s a heavy but brilliant question—and I think you’re onto something. If we’re avoiding feedback, we’re not just avoiding intimacy; we’re sidestepping honesty. Think about it. How can any relationship grow if we’re not willing to be real with each other?

Eleanor Hartfield

Oh, absolutely. But it’s easier said than done. For a lot of us, giving or receiving feedback feels... threatening, even when the intentions are good.

João Pereira

Why do you think that is?

Eleanor Hartfield

Well, fear. That’s the psychological undercurrent, right? Fear of being misunderstood, fear of rejection. And there's this underlying assumption that feedback equals criticism. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to brace for impact.

João Pereira

Totally. But here’s the irony—when we don’t speak up, we’re not actually protecting that person or the relationship. We’re just... avoiding discomfort. And let’s be honest, that’s kinda selfish, right?

João Pereira

Marcus Aurelius has this idea—it stuck with me—he talks about how we’re all part of a greater whole. When we hold back constructive truths, we’re not just withholding growth from an individual; we’re holding it back from the collective.

Eleanor Hartfield

Ooh, that’s good. It’s like feedback becomes a ripple effect—help one person grow, and you’re lifting everyone around them too.

João Pereira

Exactly. And honestly, that’s what makes it an act of love. Brené Brown nails it: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." The moment you sugarcoat, or worse, stay silent, you’re just layering fear over fear.

João Pereira

Or “politeness under pressure.” Which is... the opposite of love, if you ask me.

Eleanor Hartfield

Right. Because let’s face it: silence? Half-truths? They don’t strengthen a bond. They fracture it. And nothing grows in a fractured bond.

João Pereira

Exactly. And these are the moments where choosing the harder path—being honest—can actually deepen trust, not break it.

João Pereira

And this is where it comes full circle—feedback as an act of love, like we talked about. To make it work, though, we have to apply it wisely. If it’s going to build trust and inspire growth, we need to nail three things: clarity, timing, and specifics.

Eleanor Hartfield

Absolutely. Clarity is a game changer. It’s the difference between “You’re not a team player” and “When you dismiss other people’s ideas in meetings, it feels like their contributions don’t matter.” See how the second one focuses on behavior, not identity?

João Pereira

Yeah, that first one? Feels like a punch to the soul. The second one gives you something to work with—it’s actionable.

Eleanor Hartfield

Exactly. But timing matters just as much. Giving feedback in the heat of frustration? That’s not feedback; that’s venting. And people can feel the difference.

João Pereira

Oh, for sure. I mean, who’s gonna take advice when it’s wrapped in anger? It’s like handing someone a gift through a wall of fire. They’re not gonna reach for it.

Eleanor Hartfield

Right. You’ve got to wait until the heat dies down—when your intention is to help, not just to offload your own emotions.

João Pereira

Here’s a real-world example of what not to do. So, early in my career, I worked for this company that prided itself on having an “open feedback culture.” Sounds great, right? But their version? It was like feedback on steroids. They’d call these massive team meetings just to air everyone’s “constructive criticism” in front of the entire company.

Eleanor Hartfield

Oh no... Please tell me they didn’t.

João Pereira

Oh, they did. I was told—publicly, I might add—that I was “too philosophical” and I should “be more normal.” I mean, first of all, what does that even mean?

Eleanor Hartfield

Wow. That’s not feedback—that’s humiliation. And it completely misses the point.

João Pereira

Exactly. No one left those sessions feeling inspired or supported. It was all about tearing people down under the guise of “radical candor.” And you know what? People started shutting down. They stopped sharing ideas and avoided risks. Because who wants to be roasted every week?

Eleanor Hartfield

And that’s the danger of vague or poorly delivered feedback. It doesn’t just hurt individuals—it stunts the whole team’s progress.

João Pereira

Totally. But when feedback is clear, compassionate, and specific, it creates space for growth. It says, “I see you, and I believe in your potential.”

Eleanor Hartfield

Exactly. And it shifts feedback from being something to fear... to something nurturing.

João Pereira

Totally. To make feedback truly work—so it’s nurturing and actually leads to growth—it can’t just be this “one and done” thing. It has to exist in a consistent environment of trust and openness. Without that? It’s just words floating in the void, right?

Eleanor Hartfield

Exactly. Trust is the foundation. Without it, even well-intentioned feedback can feel threatening or dismissive. When there’s trust, though? Feedback becomes part of the dialogue, not the monologue.

João Pereira

I love that—feedback as part of the dialogue. It’s like watering a plant. If the soil’s too dry, it doesn’t matter how much water you pour... nothing’s gonna grow.

Eleanor Hartfield

Right. And, you know, feedback isn’t just about fixing what’s wrong. It’s about recognizing what’s working—what’s blooming, so to speak—and urging it to grow even further.

João Pereira

Exactly! Celebrating wins is just as critical. If all you do is point out what’s missing, you’re basically starving people emotionally. They’ll stop reaching because all they associate with feedback is... failure.

Eleanor Hartfield

And that touches on something important: shame. If feedback leaves someone feeling ashamed, it’s backfired. Empowerment is what we’re after, not paralysis.

João Pereira

Totally. And, honestly? The line between empowerment and shame is how it’s delivered—and who’s delivering it. If it comes from a place of respect and belief in the other person, it lands as a gift. Like, “I care enough to say this because I know you’re capable of more.”

Eleanor Hartfield

That’s beautiful—and so true. But here’s the challenge... we often shy away from giving this kind of feedback because it feels vulnerable, even scary.

João Pereira

Ah, yeah—it’s that vulnerability. Giving feedback isn’t just about them, it’s about you stepping into that discomfort. Saying, “Hey, I see you, and here’s what I think.”

Eleanor Hartfield

And there’s a skill to it. Finding that balance between celebrating someone’s achievements and pointing to a growth edge. Neither should overshadow the other.

João Pereira

Exactly. So, a small experiment for everyone listening—try this out. This week, pick someone in your life—anyone. Could be a coworker, a friend, maybe even your partner. And give them two pieces of feedback—one that highlights what they’re already crushing, and one small area to stretch into.

Eleanor Hartfield

Yes. Be clear, be specific, and most importantly, be kind. This isn’t about fixing them—it’s about growing together.

João Pereira

And hey, if it feels awkward at first, that’s fine. New habits always do. The point is to start, experiment, and just... pay attention to what happens.

Eleanor Hartfield

You might even notice that trust deepens—not because of what you said necessarily, but because of how you said it—with care, with belief in their potential.

João Pereira

That’s it—the magic. Because, at the end of the day, this isn’t just about feedback. It’s about connection—real, human connection.

João Pereira

And that’s the thing, right? Feedback isn’t just about fixing hiccups—it’s about building relationships. It’s like saying, “I see you, I value you, and I want to grow alongside you.”

Eleanor Hartfield

Exactly. And the best part? Feedback done right isn’t just about fixing what's broken. It's about celebrating the beauty, the courage, and the creativity that already exists—and helping it flourish even more.

João Pereira

I love that—and how it shifts the narrative. So, folks, here’s the experiment for you: take what we’ve talked about, find someone in your life, and try it out. Clear, kind, and courageous feedback—just one little step—and see what happens.

Eleanor Hartfield

And remember, feedback isn’t about being perfect. It’s messy, it’s vulnerable, but that’s what makes it powerful. Because when we bring our whole, imperfect selves to the gesture, we invite others to do the same.

João Pereira

And honestly? That’s how we grow. Together.

João Pereira

As Alfred Adler reminds us, 'The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.' True growth starts when we see and accept the full, messy humanity in each other—and dare to speak into it with love.

Eleanor Hartfield

So, on that note—thank you for experimenting with us today. For showing up, for listening, and for daring to be human.

João Pereira

Absolutely. We couldn’t do this without you. And hey, don’t forget—share this episode with someone who might need it. You never know how one little nudge could spark something big.

Eleanor Hartfield

Next week, we’ll dive even deeper: we’ll explore and why honesty without humanity is just cruelty.

João Pereira

Can’t wait for that one. Until then—keep experimenting. Keep speaking. And above all—keep loving.

Eleanor Hartfield

Until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and remember...

João Pereira

It’s human to experiment...

Eleanor Hartfield

And way more fun than pretending we’ve got it all figured out!